How I feel about love

A few words on love by Mrs. Clueless…

Recently love has been on my mind a lot – mostly because I’ve been thinking how thankful I am for it and how much more I’ve learnt about it over the past five or so years. Love is such a strange thing. I remember asking my Mum when I was young: “How could she possibly love all eleven of her children the same amount? How did she have enough to go around?” – as surely there were some days when she just didn’t “feel the love”? and surely there were a few she preferred? Her answer was always the same: “I love you all the exact same amount”. I never understood this. I wasn’t much of a peacemaker growing up and often quite mean. I think that’s where unconditional love comes in – love without limitation, but not blind. There will be times in our lives when those we love most will hurt us and upset us, but unconditional love allows us to see past these times and still love the person for who they truly are. Thankfully my Mum could see past my immature comments and attitude, otherwise we would probably have a much less meaningful relationship than we do now.

Before having Winston I used to worry that all of my love was taken up, and that I might not have enough inside of me to give to him. It really was a genuine concern. Even when he was first born I didn’t have this overwhelming feeling of love towards him. I knew I would do my very best to look after him but I felt in a strange limbo for quite a few months – he didn’t feel like ours, but he didn’t feel like anybody else’s. I wasn’t sure what to think. I knew it would come but it took longer than expected to feel absolute unconditional love towards him, but now it is like a snowball affect – I can feel the love in our family grow day by day.

I promised myself I would never be a cheesy parent but it’s impossible! I lose count of the times a day that I feel like I want to squash W (not literally) because I love him too much, I lose count of the times I say “awwwww” (in my head or out loud and my hand actually goes to my chest) when he does something new or exciting, both my husband and I together or independently go for one last look at him every night before we go to bed (and often take pics), we always talk about what we like most about it and try to predict what he’ll be like,  I threaten to eat him multiple times a day (again not literally) and no one can prepare you for the happiness you feel when they laugh or do something ridiculous. When he said his name for the first time I think it took us about an hour to stop asking him to say it, whilst Winston was probably wondering who these two weirdos were. I knew I would love my children but I have have been completely overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago my husband asked me if I was worried that we wouldn’t love our next baby as much as Winston and I knew straight away how I felt. I’m not worried whatsoever. I know I will love him just as much as Winston and I know I’ll love different things about each of them. We’re not quite ready for our second son to arrive, but we want him to be here so we can share our love with him and discover his personality. It is just beyond exciting!

Looking back I cannot believe how naive I was to think that love could be ‘taken up’. It does not work like that and I now I completely understand how my Mum can love all eleven of her children exactly the same. Love is such a beautiful thing and I’m so thankful for it in my life.

E xx